thirtytwo

Last week was one of the worse week of my life. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I feel restless, I feel depressed…my heart is pounding like crazy on my breast ….and I there’s a distinct ringing that just wont stop.

No matter what I do, nothing seems to be fun and exciting anymore…..everything seems dark and gloomy… I don’t feel important…nobody seems to need me….i feel that my work is worthless….my boyfriend is busy with his own stuff…im physically alone in this place...and nobody cares about what happens to me. I know that everything is just so terribly wrong but I have no idea what it is…or where its coming from….

I did all sorts of stupid things…... I thought that if I do all those, it would be ok…it will fill out the missing piece…and that it will bring back what ive mysteriously lost…but it didn’t…. in fact it only made me realize one thing….im the same as everybody else….i have failed my own expectations of myself, of my code and what I think I should be….it was a slap on the face to realize that I wasn’t as pure and as good as I thought I was …and I that can also be greedy….. selfish….bitchy….inconsiderate…insensitive…..just like the rest of the human race…. I fell off my ivory tower big time and I fell hard…

..i guess its about time….now that ive figured that out …im starting to feel ok….i think im slowly getting back to my normal peaceful cheerfull life…my appetite is back…im sleeping soundly….and the ringing and the beating is gone…. Will it come back? I hope not…but if it does…I think it will be ok…because like everything else ….this also shall pass….